What are the top 3 qualities that are most important to you in relationship?
Speaking for myself personally, I used to be so disconnected to the qualities & core values that were important to me in relationship during my 20’s & 30’s that I couldn’t possibly have answered this question!
In fact, the primary reason I’d enter into a relationship back than was based more on whether or not I was attracted to that person than anything else, mostly because I never had anyone to model or teach me the importance of core values or healthy relationship qualities growing up.
Sadly, it wasn’t until my late 30’s before I really started to do the relationship self-discovery & healing work that was needed in order to try & fix & correct what wasn’t working in my relationships.
And man, let me tell you…
That’s pretty late in life to be learning the core values & qualities that are most important & meaningful in relationship!
Fortunately, I’ve been committed to my growth & evolution since my early 30’s so I was up for the challenge.
And, although my most recent ex was nowhere near as committed to his growth as I was, we did at least try several different things as a couple to fix & correct what wasn’t working between us including therapy, relationship coaching, Enneagram coaching & even a relationship “workshop in a box” created by the Gottman Institute!
As a result, we learned a LOT about what being in a happy, healthy relationship could look like but because his commitment to growth wasn’t as strong as mine, it was difficult to put into regular practice & alignment what we were learning.
That said, there was something that the relationship coach we worked with taught us about how to have a healthy & happy relationship that really stuck with me over the years & helped me realize why certain relationships & friendships I’ve had over the years had fallen apart.
Not only that but it also made me realize why relationships with friends & family members that were the strongest had lasted & survived as long as they had!
What she taught us is something I still share to this day with my clients who struggle in their relationships & is also something I ask for early on now in new friendships & from any potential suitors that come my way.
In a nutshell, she taught us that the 3 qualities that are the foundation to having a healthy, happy relationship are as follows:
- TRUST: authentic (vs. unconditional) trust where you are aware of the risks, dangers, & liabilities of trust but you’re still able to build it over time in a way that when a mistake is made or trust is broken, you know you can trust each other (whether it be your partner, friend or family member) to do everything in their power to 1) own & apologize for their part & 2) take responsibility for resolution, repair & correction of what’s theirs to own. Also represents the ability to know that you can trust the other person to honor your feelings & emotions in a way that leads to consistent feelings of safety, security & connection in the relationship.
- COMMUNICATION: conscious, mindful communication that helps you ask for what you need in a non-confrontational way & includes the ability to listen in a way that helps you learn, understand & attune to one another’s needs so that trust can be fostered & agreements made that honor all involved (i.e. WIN-WIN).
- COMMITMENT: knowing clearly why you do what you do, the vision for what you are trying to create & the tools that will help you create what you desire. Also, consistent accountability & commitment to being in alignment & integrity with what you are trying to create for yourself & in the relationship.
Now that you better understand what the top 3 qualities are, imagine for a moment that each of these 3 qualities are the legs on a 3-legged stool that represents your relationship.
If any one of these legs is broken, it affects the foundation of that stool (i.e. your relationship) & the ability for it to remain standing, strong & upright!
Which is why it’s so important to foster these qualities, wouldn’t you agree?
After learning about these qualities & the 3-legged stoolanalogy, I began to see clearly why previous failed relationships with partners, friends, family, etc… hadn’t worked over the years.
If only I had learned this early on in my life. :(
Since learning the analogy of this 3-legged relationship stool, I’ve also learned a LOT about the other core values & qualities that are important to me.
As I assessed my failed relationships, fostered connection in my existing relationships & began to develop new relationships with partners, friends, family, etc… I’ve been able to identify what’s MOST meaningful & important to me in relationship, which is now comprised of the following core values & qualities:
That’s a pretty powerful list to hope & ask for, don’t you agree? :)
And what’s amazing about knowing what’s most important to me now is that I know very clearly what I stand for AND also where my own growth lies.
Because after all, I can’t possibly ask for all of this from another if I’m not willing to practice & stand in alignment with it all myself, am I right?
THIS is the beauty of knowing the core values that mean the most to us when it comes to being in relationship with others.
Not only does it give you the ability to call the other person to their greatness but it also calls you to yours!
I mean, let’s face it…
When you communicate what’s important to you & ask for what you need from this kind of foundation, it’s a basically an agreement, code of conduct & way of being in relationship that gives you the clarity, purpose & direction about the kind of person you want to attract AND become.
Imagine for a moment…
What would it be like if you knew exactly what you needed in order to be happy & healthy in your relationships?
Wouldn’t that give you more courage & confidence to ask for what you need, to resolve & repair conflict with more ease & grace AND be the change you wish to see in the world?
With this in mind, I have a few questions I’d like for you to consider…
- What are all the core values & qualities that are important to you when it comes to being in relationship with a partner, friend, or family member?
- What is it costing you personally to NOT ask for these needs to be met or be out of alignment with these qualities yourself?
- What would be the benefits of knowing, communicating & BE-ing the core values that are most important & meaningful to you?
Hopefully, answering these questions will help you identify what’s most important & meaningful to YOU when it comes to being in relationship!
That said, if still you’re not sure how to identify the core values that mean the most to you OR you’re struggling to ask for what you need most, one of my specialties is teaching you how to do just that.
If you’d like to take a deeper dive into today’s topic I’ll be talking about how to strengthen the foundation of your own relationships in your own life during my upcoming self-rescue training on Wednesday at 11:30 am MT inside my Brave-Hearted Woman Self-Rescue Community on Facebook!
Finally, if you’re ready to take ownership for becoming your very own hero & you’d like support in mastering the art of self-rescue in any other area of your life, I invite you to take advantage of the following FREE gifts that I offer below, from my heart to yours:
- Sign up for a FREE Self-Rescue Toolkit that includes an Enneagram, Saboteur & Self-Care assessment to help you assess any fears, burnout or self-sabotage you might be struggling with & identify the self-rescue road map that will help you become your very own hero!
- Sign up for a FREE 15-minute Self-Rescue Assessment Call where we can assess your self-rescue needs one-on-one & identify any self-sabotage that might be holding you back in your own life.
I hope you find the above resources helpful & here’s to us ALL learning how to be happy & healthy in our relationships AND in our lives!
Jess Bonasso, also known as The Self Care Goddess, is a Brave Life Catalyst & Self-Rescue Coach, Author & Keynote Speaker who has been teaching worn out working wonder women how to master the art of self-rescue since 2007.
After unraveling at a cellular level the self-sabotage from her corporate-climbing 20’s & business-building 30’s that led her into burnout, breakdown & a proverbial midlife crisis, she created The Brave-Hearted Way, a self-rescue compass & road map to brave-hearted courage, authenticity & wholeness that empowers worn out working wonder women to live, love, lead & work in a way that leads to happiness, health, wealth & wholeness.
In addition to being the creator of The Brave-Hearted Way & a published co-author of Speaking Your Truth: Courageous Stories from Inspiring Women (Vol.2), Jess is also an accredited practitioner of The Journey Method®, a highly effective form of cellular trauma release therapy that can unravel at a cellular level the core fears, limiting beliefs & unhealthy behaviors that cause us to sacrifice our soul, sanity or health.
Be sure to follow Jess on social media where you’ll receive daily inspiration & support on how to heal & fuel your life so you can embrace your greatness on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, or LinkedIn! :)